Oh, mercy. Help me, help me, it's another year. 2014 is over and we'll never get it back. No, no, no, no, no, no, now January 1st is nearly done! There's only 364 days left and I haven't done anything yet! Oh, no, no, where is the time going? I'll never get anything done. There's no time. I'll never accomplish anything. I'll never amount to anything. I am nothing. I am nothing.
Now, come, what's this? You've had a good day. A wonderful breakfast, a better dinner. Time spent with an old friend and some new friends, with family and Stan Lee. And let me just say, my girl, you looked perfect today. I can't think of a better opening to the new twelvemonth. And oh, think of how many brilliant plans you've got for the year ahead! C'mon, you, it's going to be a great year!
But no, no, there were so many things I was planning on doing today that I didn't get done! And I'll still do them, but they won't be the same because it won't be January 1st anymore! Such an important day, and all I did was watch movies and eat!
All? All? Your plans aren't as important as your family and your friends and your joy. Don't sacrifice special moments like the ones you had today in the name of your ultimately arbitrary lists.
What if I die?
I beg your pardon?
Car wrecks. Mass shootings. Cancer. Appendicitis. Aneurysms. The Second Coming that everyone except me seems to be looking forward to so blithely. I could be dead tomorrow.
You're not going anywhere tomorrow.
Anyone I care about could be dead tomorrow, then! I could lose everything and then some this year.
Or you might have spectacular gains.
There's no room in this world for optimism! I hardly see it anywhere.
I do.
I want this to stop.
I know.
I want everything to stop.
I know.
But not really. What I want is for everything to keep going like it has been practically my whole life. No goodbyes, no deaths, no ends, no losses. Just continuity occasionally interrupted by some welcome hellos and some closer bonds.
I think most everyone wants that.
...
*Whispers*
I'm afraid.
I know.
I just want to feel happy. Happy like I was this afternoon. All the time.
I know.
I just want to feel safe. And secure. And loved.
I know.
Oh, oh, I so desperately want God to be real.
He is.
I wish I could be that sure.
I know.
I feel so lonely sometimes, and I just want company. I want to be near my friends. I want to meet the faraway, imaginative people I admire so much. I want the characters in the books and the movies to appear beside me and tell me things are going to be alright. I want someone I can share my soul with.
You have people like that. You've shared your soul.
Not all of it.
True.
Then, other times, I want to leave everyone behind forever. I want a crushing solitude. I crave that aching loneliness. I half-want to be forgotten. I want to dwell somewhere far away, in the silence and distance and isolation that alone among all mortal things can protect a fragile heart.
Better a broken heart than no heart at all.
I wish you wouldn't quote Doctor Who at me when I'm trying to be depressing.
My apologies.
*Sigh*
I can't stop it. Any of it. It's all so sickeningly far beyond my control.
And that's the worst of it, isn't it?
Yes.
Mature of you to admit it.
Oh, do shut up.
In your dreams.
Hmph.
...
So what now?
Reading.
Obviously. And then?
Writing, perhaps. You said you'd get back into it after New Year's.
Ah, yes. Another thing I was going to do today and didn't.
Which is fine.
Whatever. Then what?
I don't know, a movie maybe?
I doubt I'll feel awake enough. I'm so tired these days.
Bed, then.
Is that it?
For now.
But what if there's nothing beyond now?
I thought you were happy with now. I thought you didn't want anything to change.
The fact that I don't want it won't prevent it from coming.
Then it will come when it's time. For now, I think you're doing fine.
I wish I had your confidence.
Could you settle for my contentment?
If I knew a good way of finding it.
Your new calendar sure is glorious.
Wow, I feel so much better.
It is!
I never said it wasn't. I love the new calendar. I like it better than last year's.
There, see? A silver lining.
Huh. Well, yeah, I suppose it's something.
...
I don't know what else to say to you. Except...
It's okay.
We're okay.
We're okay?
Yes.
Yes.
Oh, please...
Let this one be a good one.
~Pearl Clayton
I'm trying to think of something to respond but all my words are failing me so *virtual hug*
ReplyDeleteYou know what I love about your writing? The honesty. I'm astounded by the way you share your heart. So thank you. For being honest about still trying to figure things out. Because we all are.
Happy New Year. It won't all be rainbows and butterflies, we all know that. But sometimes it's the hard stuff that is the most important to you in the end.
*Virtually hugs you back*
DeleteThank you, Hannah. Happy New Year. :)
At first I was going to say something to the effect of, "Isn't talking to yourself the first sign of insanity?." Then I realized that I do that too...I'm just going to subtly change the subject now.
ReplyDeleteAnyway. I have a feeling this is going to be a really great year. I don't know about you, but these last few years have been really chaotic for me, and I have a feeling that this year everything's going to fall into place and...maybe not settle down, but start moving in the right direction. For all of us.
And if not, that's what friends and family are for. To hold our hand and help us through the hard parts, rather like your non-italicized sensible side. :-D
As for dying tomorrow, Pearl, you're sixteen. Lighten up and start feeling invincible already- it's too early for a midlife crisis.
Yeah, trust you to criticize me for being a basket case. THIS ISN'T A PHASE, ILANDERE, THIS IS WHO I REALLY AM! ;)
DeleteWell, I'm glad to hear you're optimistic. And I *am* trying to be equally so... it's just hard for me sometimes. *Shrugs*
Yeah, well, Shakespeare hates your emo poems, Pearl. ;-)
DeleteWhat they both said... ish.
ReplyDeleteGod's got it. A big part of letting go of things is trusting in God. We all die. We all have problems. But there isn't one of those things that God doesn't already know about. Plus, We can't hold off our deaths by even a minute by worrying about them. We just end up wasting our time. That's why that little bit in Luke 12 is there. The tiny part that enables us to live a completely fear free life.
"Then He said to His disciples, 'Therefore I say to you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat; nor about the body, what you will put on. Life is more than food, and the body is more than clothing. Consider the ravens, for they neither sow nor reap, which have neither storehouse nor barn; and God feeds them. Of how much more value are you than the birds? And which of you by worrying can add one cubit to his stature? If then you are not able to do the least, why are you anxious for the rest? Consider the lilies, how they grow: they neither toil nor spin; and yet I say to you, even Solomon in all his glory was not arrayed like one of these. If then God so clothes the grass, which today is in the field and tomorrow is thrown into the oven, how much more will he clothe you, O you of little faith? And do not seek what you should eat or what you should drink, nor have an anxious mind. For all these things the nations of the world seek after, and your Father knows that you need these things. But seek the kingdom of God, and all these things will be added to you. Do not fear, little flock, for it is your Father's good pleasure to give you the kingdom."
While I was thinking of what to comment on this post, I went to church on Sunday and... Well I think maybe it's not a coincidence that's what the pastor chose to speak on out of like... the first 20 chapters of Luke (we're doing a series thing... it's complicated).
And before I forget, the Second Coming bit... That's kinda a trust thing too. I have doubts about it. Of course I do. I wonder about what it will be like in heaven and living forever. If it really will be that great living in paradise forever. It kinda sounds... boring... ish. And just... weird. The Bible says that you must desire to be with God forever. And I do. But sometimes that's hard to understand when just knowing God is hard to understand. But that's when God smiles warmly at the humanness that blinds me. I cannot see beyond this life, I can't even see beyond this day. It's all grey and fuzzy. But God can see it. And the God who has proved himself kind, trustworthy and glorious tells me it's going to blow my mind. And I believe him. It's like a gift from a friend. They tell you it's going to be fantastic, so why would you believe it to be a trick?
Hope this helps...